A fragment of myself.
Introduction.
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| Junior High Graduation. |
I was born on the 16th of January 2007, in Surabaya, my mother's hometown. Growing up, I've always been an active kid. Always active in class when I was in kindergarden, proactively trying to learn how to read and make friends ever since I was 3, asking a billion multilayered questions that sometimes even leaves some adults to question themselves, I did all sorts of stuff that people wouldn't usually expect a 3-5 year old kid would do(at the time. Nowadays for some reason every single baby in existence could be smarter than me.) A lot of interesting stories happened throughout my life, especially in my childhood, but I think I'll save those stories another day. For now, I'll just share some of my favorite few important core memories and experiences during my short-15-years of living.
The sandcastles around the playground.
Chapter 1.
As a kid, I really liked experimenting with whatever that was available to me. That doesn't really mean much, it just means that I liked messing around with what little I have. For example; I used to think eating vegetables IMMEDIATELY heals your body, like, I don't know, holy water I guess. So I used to eat vegetables really often. This was all in kindergarten, I've grown out of it. I don't really eat any vegetables now. They all taste like the physical embodiment of sadness anyways. If you like vegetables, kudos to you, just make sure to keep all your sad greenish vegetable leaves 6 feet away from my face and my mouth.
Speaking of kindergarten, I went to 3. First one being in Germany, second one in Surabaya, and the last one, the one I finally settled with, was in Tasikmalaya, my grandma's hometown. I was considered a bright student, mainly because I was a "City Boy" that went to a kindergarten all the way in Cisayong, which is where my grandmother lives. The teachers really liked me so they basically somewhat spoiled me, but I find it unfair, since other kids also needed as much attention and care they possibly could get from them. Soon after about a year(?), It was finally time for me to go to primary school/elementary school.
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| Me when I was young. |
I was 6 at the time, six and a half. I didn't know what I was getting into. I thought "Great! I'm finally going to get this thing called a 'Class'! I wonder what that's gonna be like!" Which I guess was a fun little optimistic outlook. But oh boy it was so so so much more than that. It wasn't just gonna be "Class" and studying, elementary school would soon be one of the most crucial moments in my life that shaped and forged my base-knowledge and view about the world.
Chapter 2.
I believe it was 2013. My mother got really confused on which elementary school to put me in, so we went to a lot of schools to see which one I would like most. We looked mostly through swasta schools, and a few public schools we had around the place we used to live. We went through Bintang Madani, Darul Hikam, Cendekia Muda, and a lot of other well-known education foundations. At first she thought she wanted to put me in Gagas Ceria, then she decided not to because of the lack of islamic education there. Looking back now, I'm so glad she didn't put me there. A lot of my emotional and mind foundations wouldn't have been as solid as it is right now if I went there(sorry Gagas.) Going through all those schools there's only one that stood out to me. The others looked like- well- schools? This one looked like a child's heaven. SD Mutiara Bunda. God, I still remember the first time I went there to survey the school, clear as day. Breezing winds all around me, sunrays seen through a bit of fog, a playing field bigger than my wildest dreams, a basketball arena right next to it, and a playground, sand all around, with a swing and monkey-bars by the side. I fell in love.
Shortly after visiting the school for an interview, a psychology test, and a look around the school, I told my mother I wanted to enroll there. So I did. My first day coming to class on first grade was such a memorable experience. It was NINE A.M., I was late TWO HOURS, but I didn't care whatsoever. I was too excited to meet new friends and teachers. I met one of/if not, the best first-grade teacher ever. Her name was Bu Lia. I remember the english teacher was Miss Sarah(?)who, I'm pretty sure, moved schools shortly after I went up to second grade. Whatever, the friends that I met in first grade are what's more important.
I was placed in a class called "1 Hockey". There, I introduced myself as "Rhyshard", these poor kids struggled so hard to call me by my name, and honestly, I genuinely appreciated it. I also met some of my most important friends, even now, from first grade. The first one being Ahmad Aulia Rahman. Having an "Aulia" in his name sparked some confusion on whether he's a guy or a girl, since he did have long hair. But no he's actually a guy. He's been one of my closest buds for 10 years now. Wow. Crazy right? We even went on a trip together to the UK. I also met my friend Puti, who also went to the UK together with us.
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| Me, Aul, and Puti. |
Firdaus Ramadhansyah. Sound familiar? Yeah, he's that tall guy from X-3, but did you know that he's actually one of my closest friends too? Well now you know. Rais, or as some of you call him "Firdaus" was also in 1 Hockey with me. He's been stuck by my side ever since. Rais is a great guy, compared to Aul, he's more compassionate and caring. Aul sometimes can just be an idiot and a huge egotistical maniac. But that's alright, I love both of them all the same.
Chapter 3.
School became more and more intense(for a first grader of course.) It wouldn't cause me much trouble now, but I was an idiot and I cried a lot, so it felt like it got harder on me back then. Despite that, I still liked going to school, hanging with my friends, playing, drawing, all sorts of stuff that I just don't really have the time to do now. It was a blast.
Time moves again, 5th grade, had my first crush, yada yada yada, aaaaand bam. 6th grade. This is where things get real. A year of my life I would never forget. A year that changed me, going forwards.
Elvira's Epitome.
Chapter 1.
Around the time I was in 4th grade, I met a couple more people I'd consider important later in my life. One of which made such a huge impact on my life that I couldn't not talk about her here. So here we go.
Her name was Elvira. At the time, I didn't know she'd become such an important figure in my life. She's just another introverted-kindhearted-artist-nerd that seems to be able to get along just well with everyone. She probably has her own image on how she views herself, but the way I see it, El is someone who always stuck by their ideals and morals. Again, I didn't know that yet.
It all started when I accidentally stumbled upon an Instagram page, filled with artworks I considered to be really good back then. Mostly fanarts of a disney show called "Star Vs. The Forces Of Evil". It's a show about a teenage Mewni blondie named Star Butterfly and a normal earth highschool student named Marco Diaz that fights evil monsters with Star's magical powers. The show carries a lot of fictional elements(duh it's a disney cartoon), and is now a part of an entire generation's childhood. I remember watching the ending at paskal 23 on my phone, at the foodcourt, rooting for both characters to finally end this bizarre journey.
El loved the show, to the point where she joined the fandom and I guess started making fanarts of it. I'm getting side-tracked, so anyways, back to topic; I commented on one of her posts commenting about how she drew one of the characters' mouths, what I didn't realize was that these works meant a lot to her, and the more I made fun on it the more she got hurt. Soon, she snapped and commented like three billion paragraphs at me, saying that I had to appreciate people's works and making fun of something people like isn't okay. That was the earliest interaction I remembered with her. I understood that I was wrong, so then I offered her candy at school as a token of apology.
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| El's drawing of me for my birthday. |
Chapter 2.
Later it started becoming a habit, I started to give her candy almost everyday and we got somehow closer. We talked about a lot of things, one of the funniest conversations I remember talking about with her was about how Aul was a jerk to her and her friend HAHAHAHAHAHAH. I remember it was on her second account(which has been
deleted now) and we talked about how Aul would start crushing on someone, and by the time they start reciprocating his feelings, he'd flee to their best friend ;;; I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TELLING THIS STORY I'M SORRY EL BUT IT'S JUST SO FUNNY. Eventually, I started to know more about her by fifth grade and sixth grade. We were in the same science club, after all. So it's only natural that we talked more often.
By the time we were in 6th grade, I started developing feelings towards El, but I didn't really know why. I thought it was because of her looks and her smile, but later I found out that that wasn't the case.
Anyways, UN(Ujian Nasional) was coming. Sixth grade was starting to get really harsh, and I find it hard to manage my emotions and focus towards my education. It got really overwhelming for me, to the point where I actually started banging my head on my own walls. I told the stories to El, and she said to me not to consider doing self-harm ever because it really is just a dumb thing to do. I didn't listen though. It got worse. Honestly, it's really blurry for me to remember. El kept reminding me not to do anything harmful to my body, I kept not listening to her. It got really bad. Sometimes I would just be Isolated in my room, crying. Hurting myself more in the process.
Chapter 3.
I can't remember exactly what she said. But I remember her saying something along those lines. I know it sounds a bit aggressive, but those words made me shed more tears than any romance movie ever could. Not because I was hurt by it, but because I knew it was genuine.
Then I finally understood why I was into her. She didn't comfort me, she tried to make me understand. She was different, and I loved her for it. She's always kind, always mature. Always respecting other people's worth, hard work, opinions, and morals or ideals. She didn't call me nicknames other people did, she called me Rhys. In a way, some bizarre abnormal way, El somehow helped me realize my own worth and helped me understand myself more. The way she acts still holds true to this day, where, she could act cold most of the times, and could be really mean. Yet she still somehow manages to show that she really cares.
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| Basically our friendship. |
I wanted to tell more about El, but I think she'd kill me if she finds out I've been writing about her in a blog. Anyways I confessed to El on the last day before graduation, we both kinda figured out it'd be better if we stayed being close friends than anything more, so that's that. Couldn't have asked for more. Maybe I could've. I don't know, i'm not gonna think about it.
Harsh reality, Boxed up life.
Chapter 1.
I don't really have good memories of Junior High. I'd say I actually had quite the opposite. A lot of things happened, so much terrible feelings that I'd never want to go through ever again. It was so bad that I got somewhat of a trauma from it. Burnt out and depressed to the point where I went to a psychologist twice, having to check my mental stability. It wasn't fun.
Finishing up 6th grade, I wasn't in the best mental condition. Moving to a different house and environment, as well as letting go of some of the most important people I met in elementary just doesn't feel real. It was scary. Really scary. I set really high expectations on how I want my junior high school years to go, which later would end up backfiring. I tried opening up my heart to accept that now I'm in a completely new environment with new people that I'd want to befriend, and at one point, I did. It just didn't last long.
MPLS was a blur, I don't think it made an impression to me at all. All I remember is the teachers saying their learning contracts and what we had to prepare throughout the upcoming years. It was really lame. I made little to no friends, no one to talk to except some kids that somewhat showed interest only to my drawing skills. The first few days of junior high school was really gloomy. It could only get better from here... Right ..?
Chapter 2
7th grade finally starts and the school year finally began. I was put in 7C, a class filled with people that came from outside of Salman Elementary. It was nice at first, I got close with some of them, but I never really got comfortable with any of them. The only three people that I genuinely got comfortable with was Arwen, Fathya, and Natasya. All of which are females. I hated the boys, genuinely some of the most obnoxious little crickets I've ever met in my life. Outside the class I only met two that I was comfortable with; Hafizh and Naufal. Both of which go to SMA TARUNA BAKTI now.
Not much happened, just your typical average 7th grade life, with a few assignments and little to no social interaction. It wasn't as physically draining as it was mentally. Everyday from school I would be so tired, always SO MENTALLY tired. I played games, all day every weekend to relieve the stress, which was not even something I did back in elementary. Day by day I just got sicker and sicker of this place and I couldn't wait to finally graduate from here. That says a lot considering I was still on my first year. One of the kids from my class couldn't handle it, he got sick. He was absent for atleast 2 months. Poor kid. I hope he's doing okay now.
Not much else happened other than me trying to cope with the sudden changes of environment. I tried making friends, I succeeded, they found a new group to play with, they left. It's all a vicious cycle I couldn't escape. Though because everything was still offline by this period of time, nothing really bothered me so much that it would hurt my core. Until 8th grade came.
Chapter 3 - 8th grade.
God, where do I even start.
Covid. SARS-CoV-2, or Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome Coronavirus 2 is a virus that spread throughout the majority of 2019-2021. Two whole years of locking yourself home. Absolutely no way out. The only escape was digital entertainment, and even that grows old through time. 8th grade was hell. It was the lowest point of my life. Nothing in my mind was right. Everything was blurry. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't shower. Nothing was going well.
I started to lose my own faith. Something inside me thought,
"If god loved us so much, then what the f*%k is this. Nothing makes sense anymore, and if he truly exists he would have helped us."
During that time, I often fought with my parents. My mom, specifically. I still remember sneaking and running away from home from time-to-time. Banging my head on my table. Throwing my phone and cracking its screen. I hated it. I hated it. I hated it.
There were times back then when I would be so fed up with my boxed-up life, I started questioning my purpose. I didn't feel important, nor did I do anything productive. Resorting to video games, YouTube, scrolling for countless hours on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, or my greatest regret; Eromanhwas, for entertainment. Everything was a mess. I was in solitude. I was by myself. I, alone, had become broken, and there was nothing I could do.
Her smile, her light.
Chapter 1
There I was. In my room. Empty eyes, staring at nothing. Sinking in my bottomless pit of nothingness. Fading within the void I stranded myself into because not once did I ever convince myself to be grateful at that period of time.
My mother, bless her soul, who at this point I can only imagine how exhausted she was by my attitude, kept talking to me. Slowly filling up the void in my heart. Even though we fought, she kept telling me the same thing. She kept telling me to go ask for help. To my family. To friends. To god. Anyone, whoever it is, ask them for help. She told me,
"I couldn't help you, if you close your heart to me like that. There's nothing I can do, no one can make it work other than yourself, and no one can screw this up worse than yourself."
We kept talking. The topic of religion often came up and I kept shrugging it away because of how fed up I was with all that faithful talk. Though at the time I started listening more. After what she said I started asking her more and more questions about my religion.
"Why I was born with it? Does everyone go through what I'm going through? Why should I respect you, as my mother, If we were all made from soil, and would eventually die to become one too? Aren't we basically equal then? What gives you the right for my respect if we're basically the same?"
Everytime I ask a question it felt like I was getting closer and closer to an answer for my neverending misery.
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